I'm a novelist and performer living in New York.
Ask me anything
Love Will Tear Us Apart book website
Invocation of the old TC on my FB page, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Last night, I dreamt I was in a beautiful fancy restaurant with an ocean view. I was seated by a large bay window and given a menu. When the waitress came, I asked if the grilled calamari was gluten-free.
"You know, like, no wheat? Or any stuff with wheat in it?"
"Oh, right. It’s not gluten-free, but let me bring you something that is."
She went to the kitchen and, a few minutes later, came back with a basket of bread.
"Thanks so much," I said, "but bread would fall into the category of things I CAN’T eat."
"Oh, right" she said. "Let me find something else then."
She returned with a plate full of Wheat Thins, Triscuits, and goldfish.
"Okay, thanks?" I said. "But, again, these are all excellent examples of things that are made almost entirely of wheat. And also, this restaurant is super nice to be serving goldfish."
"Of course, of course," she said. "Can you explain what gluten is again?"
"It’s like a protein in wheat. I’m essentially allergic to WHEAT."
"Aha," she said. "Got it. Why don’t I get the chef?"
A moment passes and then she comes back with the chef. They hand me a silver platter with a lid.
The waitress lifts the lid. On the platter was a piece of toast.
"It’s our double wheat bread. It has two kinds of wheat in it!"
"Great," I said.
I’m pretty sure all my neuroticism stems from the fact that I’m an actor who was told she should be a writer.