Moon History 101: The Oscar Apocalypse
Children of the moon, today we’re going to learn about the day human civilization on earth ended. It was February 26th, 2012 and the people of earth had settled in to watch a celebration of a form of entertainment called movies. Little did they know that the Mayan God Quetzalcoatl decided to usher in a new cycle of life on that very day.
Some people predicted Quetzalcoatl would take the form of a great beast. Others said he would come as a ball of fire. They were all wrong. He took the form of Billy Crystal.
People watching TV felt something strange was happening. They heard a strange sound, thought it was just mic feedback. Really it was Quetzalcoatl Crystal sending his army of atom-sized feathered snakes into the ears of the unsuspecting audience.
People began to bleed out of their ears when Sandra Bullock took the stage. She spoke a foreign tongue. Brad Pitt was the first to explode.
Hold on moon children, I need to have a bowl of ice cream. I will continue the tale once I finish. Thank God we finally made moon ice cream!
Moon children, I’m back! That ice cream sure was delicious. I’m so glad someone was able to bring the recipe for Mexican chili chocolate ice cream on the escape shuttles to the moon!
So as I was saying, Brad Pitt was the first to explode. What’s that? Yes Angelina #856476, you’re right. You ARE a descendant of Brad Pitt. Many of us on the moon are descendants of Brad Pitt and his wife Queen Angelina #1. Those of us who are not are descendants of THE TWELVE.
You have forgotten THE TWELVE, Warren Buffett #79878362? Let me remind you.
Justin Bieber
Richard Branson
George Clooney
George Clooney’s girlfriend
Rooney Mara
Warren Buffett
Jeremy Lin
How many of the twelve have I named so far, moon children?
Nick Nolte
The French guy from the artist (records of his name have been lost)
Christopher Plummer (he was the brave member of THE TWELVE who murdered Quetzalcoatl Crystal with his bare hands)
Apple Paltrow
You’ll have to wait until I put my empty bowl into my moon dishwasher to find out the final member of THE TWELVE.
I mean, you kids should know this by now. It is going to be on the test. Put your computer-dogs back in their barns!
It was Meryl Streep, you idiots. Meryl Streep. 80% of you are named Meryl Streep. Oh God, I hate my job.
Did you know on Earth they had trees and atmosphere they did not have to create themselves?
Sorry, I’m getting wistful for a place and time I never even experienced. Talking about THE TWELVE does that to me, I guess.
What do you mean you think it was THE SEVENTEEN and not the THE TWELVE? Who’s the teacher here, Jeremy Lin #28980898?
All right, all right, so maybe I forgot five people. I’ll tell them over the course of the night.
They were less famous but, yes, they were also on the moon colony: Sarah Rainone @BinuPaulose @JonBershad @hellyesbrandon @brettrader
Why did they need these infamous people on the moon colony, you ask?
Who else was going to tweet about the rest of them?
But I digress. I’m telling the tale of the apocalypse, after all. It’s a lesson we would do well to learn so we do not repeat it.
Christopher Plummer took the stage and began his plot against Quetzalcoatl.
He said something gross.
And then something grosser.
It was a decoy, of course.
The plumed serpents dug deeper into our ears with every clap.
Their ears, their ears, moon children. Not our ears. I wasn’t there, hahahaha, no, that was way too long ago. How would I have been there?
Unless I was a ghost…
hahahaha but I’m not I’m really not
I am not the ghost of Lady Gaga’s mom Cynthia. That would be crazy.
Quetzalcoatl began a strange mating ritual with Nick Nolte. But Nolte was having none of it. He chuckled, at least he did until Bradley Cooper exploded.
Bradley Cooper exploded, drenching the Oscar audience in mustache hair and hormonal secretions.
People watching around the world also began to explode. The explosions felt at first like headaches. I have a very similar headache now. hahaha not because I’m the ghost of Lady Gaga’s mom Cynthia though.
The headaches felt temporarily better when the French guy from the artist spoke in French. But then more explosions happened, and the world was drenched in mustache hair and hormonal secretions. It was so sad.
Will and Zach didn’t explode, they floated into heaven. It was beautiful.
Moon children, the rest of the story is just a lot of people exploding and a few people hopping on Richard Branson’s moon planes.
I’m going to my space bed where I will cry myself to sleep.
Because I am a human.
Definitely a human and not the ghost of Lady Gaga’s mom Cynthia.
The end.
(I tweeted this last night and felt it deserved to be published in the proper order. I know it’s completely batshit. I love it anyway. Halfway into typing, I realized I got the idea of THE TWELVE from Justin Cronin’s marvelous book THE PASSAGE. Or Battlestar Galactica. Or the New Testament. One of those. So I changed it to THE SEVENTEEN. The story is no less batshit as a result of this adjustment.)
